I (Love)
by Aqua783
Summary: Songfic to the original song "I (Love)" by CircusP ft. Gumi. Gumi loves Luka, but Luka rejects her love for her, leaving Gumi to try to figure out what Luka is thinking and never giving up. Second chapter revolves around Luka's side of the story with CircusP's "Lie"
1. I (Love) You

**__****Credits to CircusP for composing and subtitling "I (Love)"**

**A/N: This is my first songfic which means time for experiments! (No pun intended) I hope you enjoy it; I had a lot of fun writing this actually n.n**

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I love Luka. I love her more than anything in the entire world.

And she loves me, but she refuses to admit it. She masks her love for me by dating Gakupo, but I know. I know. I see her in the hallways and what her expression shows is not love, it's the desire to have someone beside her that's not me.

I don't know why she does it. Maybe to her I was just a thing. Something that happened involuntarily and she wants to get that in my head: I was just a thing and I shouldn't love her. Although, it's hard for me to accept that because of the way she still looks at me every time she passes me. Her eyes show me hurt and yearning, and this leaves me thinking she loves me. I don't want to not love her because what if she finally realizes she loves me back.

_I know the cryptic way she hides it  
I see how she fakes her affection  
I've tried to understand everything  
But I guess I'm just a hopeful fool_

"Your love doesn't mean anything to me. _You_ don't mean anything to me," she tells me, but I know better.

_We weren't anything,_ I try to persuade myself, but I know we're not a passing rain; we are a raging storm.

And when she kissed me for the first time, I know she said it was an experiment, but the electricity that shot through me… I know she felt it too. She even said she wanted to do greater things with me, and I melted to her words, I believed them like a child believes in fairy tales -a happy ever after. I wanted it to be true because she taught me the sweet word 'love' and I thought she was as happy as I was… and yet, she returned to those dark, meaningless words like 'test' and 'experiment'.

Someone told me it was pointless to find love in someone who refuses to love; it's worthless. But I found happiness in my love for Luka… even within the sadness of it all. I've heard the saying 'love conquers all' and I believe it. There's no denying that the times I've spent with Luka are the happiest moments of my life, and now that I know I love her, they've increased tenfold.

_To her I'm nothing  
We weren't anything  
Just a basic test  
An experiment  
I know it's pointless  
I know it's worthless  
But I won't give up  
I won't surrender_

"Luka, this isn't like you," I say to her one day when I meet her in the courtyard of the school, "why did you agree to go out with Gakupo-kun when you don't have any feelings for him?" I asked.

"You don't know me," she said sharply, and I watched as she started to walk away from me.

"I won't let him steal you away from me." I said just loud enough so she could hear me.

She span around, marched straight up to me and looked me dead in the eye. "You can try."

For a second I thought that was it. Obviously it wasn't, because right there, in the broad daylight, in the courtyard of the school, she kissed me again. Though, this wasn't the kiss I wanted. This was the kiss _she_ wanted me to have.

Her lips harshly pushed against mine and she sunk her pink-polished nails into my lower back making me want scream in agony and push her away, but she was hungry for more and wouldn't let me. She sucked anything she could out of me -my strength, hope, and love. She left me standing there soon after feeling like an empty carcass and I convinced myself that if this would save her, I would do it a thousand times until she felt right again. I couldn't let her lie to herself about who she loved. I wouldn't. Maybe if I let her do it a thousand times she would finally get it, but maybe I'm just another hopeless fool in love.

_I won't let him steal you from me  
I'll save you and then you will love me  
I won't let you do this to yourself  
I'll save you| we're perfect together_

Luka and I sat together on a bench eating lunch in the cafeteria. As usual, she was daydreaming again.

"Luka… Luka!" I say to her when I realize she hasn't heard a word I said.

She suddenly snapped out of it and stared at me with eyes as large as saucers. "What?"

I sighed. "You didn't hear a word I said, did you?" I ask her.

Luka stared at me with those pure, turquoise eyes that I loved and cocked her head.

I started again and gave her a look, "I said… Tomorrow is a day off; do you want to hang out?"

She begins to reply, "Of cour-", but I cut her off.

"That's not all I said," I say.

"What is it?"

"I told you that your nose is big, your eyes are too far apart, you laugh like you're choking on something, and that…"

Luka looked displeased, but she knew I was just joking. When I paused I regretted it because it gave her a chance to interpret my next words.

"I l-"

"Stop, we've been over this," she said cruelly.

I felt my heart wrench painfully and swallowed hard, "I just want to tell you that I love you. Why won't you listen to me for once?" I begged.

"I _do_ listen to you, Gumi, and we're over; I'm done," she told me, and stood up from the bench. Without haste, she picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. "Bye," she said, and walked away without glancing back.

_I don't get why she's not listening  
I am fighting an abandoned war  
I tried to show her the way I feel  
But I guess I'm just a hopeless fool_

Even after all we've been through she still agrees to be with me, as friends, and even though it starts to hurt after a while, I think it's because she loves me and she knows I won't listen to her cryptic words telling me to 'leave her alone' and 'I don't love you back,' so she stays and feeds off me like a baby nursing from a mother. She accepts my love for her yet, she won't accept herself and she thinks if she 'plays' along long enough, I'll start to understand where all of this is going… nowhere.

She will start to see though, that I'm not going anywhere either. And soon enough she will break her ties with Gakupo and accept it. I know for certain because we were always beside each other, even as kids. We will grow old together, forever –to the end of the world if you must.

And I want to tell her I love her every chance I can.

"I love you."

"I yearn for you."

Because she is my sanctuary and also a blissful cage that I'll let her snare me in. I will never forget the kindness and love she has shown me. I will never forget her smile… or her eyes that light up when she gazes up at the stars like a small child. I will never forget the way she kissed me, the way she looked at me and I won't forget she loved… no, loves me.

_You will see__  
__It will finally__  
__Be just you and me__  
__Till the end of the world__I want you__  
__I deeply need you__  
__I won't forget you__  
__You're my sanctuary_

Luka,** I _will_ save you; we're perfect together.**

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**A/N: And that's that! I'm planning on writing the other piece that goes with this titled: "Lie... To Myself" and that will be CircusP's original song "Lie" ft. Luka Megurine (another songfic of course) Thank you for reading, and please leave a review if you have the time**

**__****Credits to CircusP for composing and subtitling "I (Love)"**


	2. Lie to Myself

******__****Credits to CircusP for composing and subtitling "I (Love)"**

**A/N: IMPORTANT PLEASE READ* I rearranged the verses back to back because I didn't think that the story could flow if it was the other way around. I apologize if there's any confusion or flame because I didn't do the original way. Anyhow, I hope you like it anyways.**

**P.S: Sorry, for the late update,; it was later than I expected :c I had a lot of fun writing the first part to this chapter, but then I started get writer's block so I stopped for about a week and then started again. I got more writer's block just at the very end and I was like, "Awe really?!" But I got it done, so I'm satisfied u.u Please enjoy!**

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If I didn't kiss her... none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have these feelings for her, I wouldn't know what love is, and I wouldn't think she was my perfect match... but, I think that's an exaggeration.

I've dated plenty of guys before, and I never thought I loved any of them. Why her? And Gumi, not once did she ever mention a person she liked before all this. Just because I was caught in the moment and wanted to try something... she thinks she loves me, but this love can't be real; it just can't.

I don't understand how she can't feel humiliated every time I reject her. She keeps crying out my name but I never do the same. Maybe it isn't even love, and I think that because if it _was_ love, I wouldn't think that we were already over the moment I kissed her.

_Why can't it be perfect  
This love's not even real  
Why don't I cry for you  
Love was dead from the start_

"Luka, I'm fine," she says to me, but I'm not sure about that. "It was just an experiment kiss, I know! No need to get your panties in a twist!" She laughed playfully and hit my shoulder.

"But look how much you're blushing," I said almost soundlessly, and then took notice to my own beating heart.

_Shoot… If she finds out that I'm like this, I don't know what I'll do._

Maybe this was my first mistake: believing that she didn't know.

In reality, it took a few days for Gumi to confess. It wasn't spontaneous, nor was it romantic. She came up to me one day and looked me square in the face and blurted out those words.

"I love you."

My second mistake was thinking how nice it would've been if she was still naïve and unaware of her feelings, but that's where the word 'mistake' comes in, because she knew the whole time.

_The lies you succumb to  
Blissfully unaware  
I don't know how you can't  
See through my façade_

"I don't want you", "I don't need you"... the words repeat themselves over and over in my head like a never ending merry-go-round. I know that I really mean the opposite; I just have to convince myself a little more.

And lastly, "I'll forget you" is what I tell myself when I'm lonely, but it doesn't even matter. I know I'll never be able to forget her.

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"You know I really love you, right?" Gumi asked me suddenly.

I stared at her with wide-eyes understanding that she really meant it.

"Y-Yeah..."

"And..." her eyes started skittering here and there, and then finally returned to mine, "that I know you're just playing along with me... right?"

I could hear the impression in her words that she wanted those words to be false, but we both knew they weren't.

She laughed weakly, and said under her breath, "I knew it," and then she shook her head, "yet I still love you."

I'll play along as long as it takes to write Our Story. Our… Song might be a better way to put it because a song is defiantly shorter than a story… right? So as soon as this song if finished, I'll break my ties with her. I will move on without her, but I just… it's hard because every time I try to forget her, my heart discards the idea and pulls me back into this unbreakable cage.

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"I still don't understand why you're dating Gakupo," Gumi says to me as I come up to her after just being with said person, "we would be perfect together."

I just pray that she doesn't see my wavering heart beneath my cold gaze.

She thinks I don't know who I truly love, but doesn't she see? Inside it feels like my heart is being squeezed, and the blood is filling my entire chest with poison. I can't just say I love her -what would the point of all this be then? I don't want to fall into a hole I can't crawl out of. If I did, I would be imprisoned and left to suffocate under the pressure. I wouldn't be able to feel free under the weight of Gumi's love that surpasses mine.

It's unfair to Gumi because she doesn't deserve someone like me who's always unsure and hesitant. She needs someone who will support her, and I know this because we've always been together. I know what she needs and what she wants but… need is greater than want.

Still, I wish I could tell her with a sturdy heart:

"I love you."

_I don't want you  
__I don't need you  
__I'll forget you  
__It doesn't matter  
__I'll play along  
__Writing Our Song  
__We are perfect  
__I love you_

"No, no, no, no!" _Stop thinking about her_, I tell myself hopelessly. _Why aren't you out of my head?!_

After I kissed Gumi for the second time, I saw the suffering in her eyes and then just like that… it was gone. It didn't distract me from the tears that were trying to push their way through her eyelids though. I could see every little thing that she was trying to cover up. Her tears, her eyes searching mine for any sort of answer to my actions, her nervousness, her trembling, and her heart.

_Stop trying to act so strong; it only hurts me seeing you like this._

"Listen to me, Gumi," I start.

_Please don't listen to me…_

"I know I could be perfectly happy seeing someone else. We could both be happy if we do that, ne?" My voice shook as I said this, and I turned away quickly trying to hide my own tears that began to form.

Not even a moment passed by and I felt a soft, warm hand grab mine. I span back around so I was now facing the red-faced, teary-eyed, green-haired girl.

Before I could even register what was happening, I felt a small nip on my ear and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Hey! What are you doing?!" I said, a little angry that I'd been played with.

Gumi pulled back and stared at me with big, innocent eyes while a smile coated her lips. She sniffed through her nose that was red from embarrassment and gave me a look as if she was totally not guilty of the event that just happened.

"Did I ever tell you that your ears are big too?"

I felt my face turn entirely red and I covered my ears. "Are you crazy?! Someone could see us!"

"You weren't worrying about that when you ki-" Gumi tried to say, but was interrupted by a male voice.

"Luka."

I turned to see a purple-haired teenaged boy coming up to me.

I gasped, "Gakupo! What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you," he said to me, and then noticed Gumi standing behind me and nodded his head, acknowledging her.

Gumi seemed to shrink half her size as she crept out from behind me timidly.

"Hi, Gakupo-kun," she said.

I looked at her, now the one with skittering eyes, "I... I'll be going now, Gumi," and I stuttered slightly, cut off guard by her sudden change in demeanor.

I slid over to Gakupo's side and I faked a smiled to Gumi while Gakupo waved a hand goodbye. He dropped his hand and grabbed mine from my side. We turned towards the school and headed for it.

I only took a few steps before I heard a faint, "Sayonara," come from Gumi's lips.

My heart constricted painfully, and I quickly took a regretful glance back towards where we had just been with hope to spot the green-haired girl. I hoped that maybe, just maybe she'd be standing there with that forged smile on her face supporting me as always, but with no luck of spotting her, my heart sunk.

Gakupo squeezed my hand, and I could only blink back the tears that were begging to be released. That's when I realized... Gakupo knew that I was in love with Gumi; he knew all along.

Seconds before we were in the school, I swear, I could hear Gumi crying. And as that scene penetrated my mind I realized that this was the end to both our first loves.

_No, this is all wrong  
Why aren't you gone?  
I know you're not that strong  
Don't listen to me  
We'll always be so perfectly happy_

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I looked at myself in the mirror, and traced the outline of my face with my fingertips leaving smudges left behind. And I thought, I'm like this smudge; I can be easily wiped away, and forgotten that I was there in the first place. I hope Gumi could see me like that too so she can forget.

Maybe when she forgets me, and erases me from her heart, she would have found someone else she loves and could share all her happiness with them. And maybe one day I will finally be able to see her smile in a white dress like I've always dreamed, and I will know that her love is finally in the arms of someone who loves her as much as I did. And maybe the day I forget her too I will have someone like that as well, and I will be able to tell her with a sturdy heart:

"I don't love you."

But, until that day passes me I will continue to lie... to myself.

_And maybe one day I'll get to see you smile  
In the arms of someone who loves you like I do_

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**A/N: HaiHai! So this is the ending to "Lie... (to Myself)". I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it :') Please leave a review if you have the time, and favourite this story so I can see how much you liked it. I will be writing more songfics (hopefully) soon!**

******__****Credits to CircusP for composing and subtitling "I (Love)"**


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